Tickled my funny bone

Translation: Yes, Captain. Another heart attack.

1955

That's only 56 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous...

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President..

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now..

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore, with hotels now costing us $2.00 per night!

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.'

Christmas cookies

>
Not my photo!

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.
 
2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.
 
3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calories free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.
 
4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
 
5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.
 
6. Cookies coloured red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!
 
7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street " have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
 
8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
 
9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!
 
10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!

Sunday chuckles

First, I have to share this here. This, to me, is tear-streaming-laugh-out-loud FUNNY:



Then Jurgis sent this to me. I think at least a couple of my contacts here will appreciate it ; )

This morning I went to sign my four dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no clue who their daddies are.

They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Disclaimer: (why do I feel I need one anyway?) The joke above is not aimed at anyone on welfare. I have seen first-hand both ends of the welfare spectrum... the deserving and the most-definitely-not deserving. I thought it was funny. So there!

Besides, I needed the humour. I've been stressing and fussing all day about lesson plans for a very, very, very unpleasant class : (   This is one soul-destroying class. One of us has to give... and I suspect it will be me.

I'm off to do Katey and Riete's quiz and find more funny videos to watch... or perhaps I should give some attention to those lessons.

Procrastination won out!

Hubby humour

Jurgis thought he'd brighten up my day, so I got this in a text file...


Spike Milligan's cheeky look here
reminded me so much of my grandfather!

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Spike Milligan
Ooh! I love this one!

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Spike Milligan
That must be Britain... it'd be way longer here.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
Spike Milligan
I could apply this to a few singers. Don't know who the singer is.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
Spike Milligan

I'm a hero with coward's legs.
Spike Milligan

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Spike Milligan

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Spike Milligan

It's all in the mind, you know.
Spike Milligan

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan