Moving forward

At least, in one area of my life.

I know that there are many out there who will be thrilled (ok, that’s perhaps a rather strong word) to hear that I’ve made the decision to go for my radical mastectomy. It’s a huge thing for me, so I’ve planned it for the start of June, which gives me time to prepare physically, mentally, emotionally, and practically.

Physically, I need to work up fitness, particularly in my chest and arms. I’m also preparing myself for the possibility of lymphedema, the most frightening part of this whole deal and the main reason I’ve put surgery off for so long. Right now, I’m learning as much as I can about the prevention and management of that ghastly, incurable disease (yes, there are worse things than cancer - at least, in my book). Practically, I need to gather a front-buttoning, comfortable wardrobe. My shirts and blouses are all pullover. Not that I really need much encouragement to go shopping lately. Shopping, for me, is very much out of character. I’ve always been the Scrooge, thinking twice before spending a penny. This brings me to the mental and emotional part of all this.

This past month has been awful on so many levels. My first lone wedding anniversary was one of the toughest times I’ve had to go through. For many years, we didn’t celebrate birthdays or Christmases as a family. Our wedding anniversary was the Big Event of the year. Much was made of it. Tat and I did our level best to be out there and busy on that day, but it was still rough. The nights are the worst. I rarely sleep more than two hours at a stretch. My scans not long after Jurgis died showed a substantial shrinkage of the tumour. No surprise there. I was militant about my protocol, following it to the nth degree and he helped me, continually encouraging me in my weaker moments. After he died, I seemed to have lost all will. My protocol slid and became erratic. This has shown itself in my scan results. First there was no shrinkage. The last lot showed growth and the tumour isn’t looking ‘healthy’ anymore, so yes, I’m giving up, though not altogether…

The plan is this: Aside from my wardrobe issues, which are really minor - the joys of working in a charity shop are that clothes are easy and inexpensive to come by - there are a few more practical plans to make. I want to make pouches for the drains that I may have to wear for a couple of weeks. I’ve seen examples of these in US and Australian stores. I’ve not seen anything here, but am not worried, as I can make them. It will give me something to do during those long, sleepless nights anyway. After surgery, I’ll stay home for about two weeks before phasing in going back to work. I plan to go back to my anti-cancer protocol after the surgery, though I’ll probably cut back on the number of supplements. I do need to go back to a cleaner diet *sigh* That’s been the biggest factor in my health changes.

It's rather hard to find a non-gory image to illustrate the surgical incision and the drain bags I plan to make holders for. The holders are to prevent them pulling out of the surgical area when sleeping or going out.

I’m sorry I disappeared. I’m sorry I shut my friends out this month. I could barely deal with myself, never mind actually having to make meaningful conversation. At work, it’s easy. Simple customer service and possible chat about the weather. My evenings and nights have been a long marathon of watching TV series and online shopping (a rather troublesome side effect of my emotional state). Having said that, I do now have a couple of purchases that give me immense delight like the little fan I bought to help cope with the brutal hot flushes at night. It’s a bright, sunny yellow and just totally cool, if you’ll pardon the pun.

Onward and upward. It’s a long road, but I’m used to long roads by now, right?

Technorati Tags: cancer,mastectomy,lymphedema,grieving,Jorge,Jurgis

Traitorous actions

I feel like a traitor…. to myself and all I believe in. While I’m not comfortable with my latest actions, I’ve made my peace with them - for now. On Friday, two days after my visit to a very persuasive surgeon, I caved and took my first Tamoxifen. I was not struck by lightning. Neither did I break out in hives.

I do, however, feel as though I’ve crossed to ‘the dark side’.

Mr C, my surgeon, spent a lot of impassioned time telling me that I was taking grave risks with my health. He said that if I were to agree, he’d have me on the cutting table by the next morning. He wanted to know if I was seeing some other practitioner. I knew what he meant by ‘practitioner’ and that he was imagining voodoo just by the way he said it. I came very close to telling him I was seeing a witch doctor just to see his reaction. Two things here… first, I’m not in the care of a witch doctor (I just know someone’s going to assume that not knowing my warped sense of humour) and second, I’ve learnt that surgeons don’t have a funny bone, so I quietly snickered to myself and kept my peace. The only way he was going to let me walk out of that hospital with my records was if I agreed to take Tamoxifen.

Tamoxifen is a drug that blocks oestrogen. Oestrogen is the hormone that feeds my cancer. You can read more about it here. I’m not a fan, not even slightly. It is, however, the least ghastly of my ‘conventional’ choices. If Tamoxifen works the way the surgeon wants it to, the cancer will, at the very least, stop growing - something I believe it’s done anyway. The side effects scare me, not the menopause one, but the others. There’s the risk of a blood clot and the risk of the cancer going ‘yippee’ and making the Tamoxifen create the very oestrogen problem it’s trying to resolve, which will mean an even more aggressive cancer. Then there’s the risk of a very aggressive cancer of the uterus in 5 years, which is directly caused by Tamoxifen. This information, by the way, doesn’t come from an ‘alternative’ website, but from the Tamoxifen itself.

So while I’m not happy taking Tamoxifen, I’m only giving it a tiny corner of my life. The rest is dedicated to health-building, nourishing and healing foods, drinks and supplements. I have more supplements now than I care to count, but we’re hitting this thing with All we’ve got. Perhaps, with my will to be healthy, Tamoxifen will only do good and maybe, just maybe, it will do what it’s meant to do and fix at least one part of the complexity that is this cancer.

Technorati Tags: cancer,healing,tamoxifen

What’s wrong with you?

I saw an article on Twitter on loving your cancer: http://omtimes.com/2014/08/loving-cancer-good-health/ My knee-jerk reaction was, “Are you crazy??” Love… I mean… Love something that has the potential to kill me or at the very least cause me a whole lot of misery? Love? Ok, so I read the article and it was good. More thoughts on that later.

My nightly research, wandering, link-hopping led me on a further path that had this love theme coming up regularly. My dear friend, Michelle, gave me the link to some music, which took me to Youtube and, being the compulsive link-clicker I am, I was soon going on to other related music. One link led to another and I found myself revisiting Ho’oponopono. Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and love. There is a lot to it, but, in short, it is a prayer you recite with healing intention:

I’m sorry
I love you
Please forgive me
Thank you

This prayer can be directed at any one or any thing. At no time does it mean you condone the ‘wrong’ that’s been done. This is also no pat, meaningless apology, just heartfelt love and a letting go of all negative emotions relating to the person, event, thing - or yourself. Yes, you could say it to yourself or parts of yourself.

I’ve used this prayer before, though very rarely. To be honest, I usually forget it exists. Once, I had a confrontation with a colleague at work. The next day, I dreaded going to work fully expecting a continuation of the confrontation - I don’t do confrontation very well - as the situation hadn’t been resolved the day before. In my flurry of tension over the situation, I decided to do some Ho’oponopono. I, rather dramatically, held my hand over my heart, focussed on the colleague and recited the prayer a few times. Arriving at work, the colleague couldn’t have been nicer. She apologised! She also explained why she’d acted the way she had. Now I don’t know if what happened was a result of the Ho’oponopono or just co-incidence. I’m going to choose to believe my little forgiveness ritual had its desired effect. I’ve used it since on other situations and had good effect. It may well just be because of my own mental state being altered. That’s also good.

Going through my mailbox a little later, a sentence jumped out at me, “What’s wrong with you?” It’s what we’re asked when something’s out of place. Or simply a “What’s wrong?” There’s so much negativity and fear in those words. It’s something that’s been brought home to me over and over with this cancer deal. Fear. Negativity. The doctor’s tone dropped to indicate severity. It was all over his voice and body language long before he got the words out, which were also negative, “I’m afraid I have to give you the news…” Why afraid? Why all the fear around cancer? Oh I can understand the fear! I can understand the anger, nay, the rage. I can understand the upset. But that’s the whole problem with sickness in our society. It’s wrapped up in fear because we aren’t in control of our bodies. We’ve handed that control over to the medical institutions and the supermarkets.

Today, I choose to take back control. I choose to love this thing that’s teaching me so much - ok, I’ll at least try. I choose to forgive my body for betraying me and this tumour for turning my life upside down. I choose to love my body and give it what it needs, treating it well. I choose to make mindful choices with what I put into my body. It’s my home, after all, and the vessel I will live in for many years to come. In moving into a home, I like to paint it a bright colour and make it beautiful, choosing my furnishings carefully. Why not with my body?

So, to this cancer I say…

I’m sorry
I love you
Please forgive me
Thank you

Technorati Tags: Ho’oponopono,love,cancer,healing,fear

Half the battle won!

Today was the most exciting day I’ve had in a long time. Since my diagnosis, my days have been filled with work and tests and exhaustion. Cancer is exhausting, not just the disease itself, but the amount of effort going into research and lifestyle to ‘fix’ it.

Yep, I’m a fixer. From the day I was diagnosed… even before that… I’ve been researching and working on my personal healing. A total cure is what I’m aiming for. No less.

I was called into the hospital for an appointment today to discuss my test results and my prospective surgery, scheduled for Monday, the 15th. I was nervous, naturally. I arrived at the hospital only to be told that the surgeon, ironically, had ‘taken ill’ and I was to see my Breast Cancer Advisor, the lady who has been overseeing my case. She’s a nice lady, so I didn’t mind at all. She sat me down and started with the scan results. Bone scan clear. CT scan has ‘tiny nodules of activity in the lungs’, but inconclusive, as they’re too small and there’s no way of telling what ‘activity’ they are. A follow up scan for those will be done in 6 months, but they’re not considered an issue at all right now. To clarify, anything can turn up as ‘activity’. If I had unprocessed food in my stomach or digestive tract, it would have shown up as ‘activity’ there. A fractured bone would show as ‘activity’, as would a stomach ulcer. I’m not in the least worried about that aspect, especially not in the light of what came next.

Mary (not her real name) said that the next phase of treatment was up to me, whether I wanted chemo first or surgery first. She knows my views on the subject, so she wasn’t really surprised when I said I wanted neither. I’ve asked for 3 drug- and surgery-free months in which to heal myself, then a re-evaluation to see if it’s necessary at all. I explained that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that my cancer has been halted and that my body is healing. She wanted to know why I was so sure. I’ve been taking regular photos of my lump (yes, it’s very visible), so I was able to describe the changes to her.

Sensitive readers may want to avoid this part…

The lump itself was ugly. It was raised and a dark, bright, purple, surrounded by angry red. Over the top was a thick crusty scab, not caused by an injury. It was part of the cancer growth. The scabbing occurred very suddenly, about a week before my first hospital visit. Recently, after 3 days of intense itching, the scab fell off leaving a very healthy pink skin underneath. The purple has diminished and is now just a small area. The red is gone completely. The skin around the lump, that was previously a mix of greyish-red is normal flesh colour. The lump itself no longer feels as though it has a life of its own and there’s no more pain! I had constant stabbing pain in that lump!

The best news for today was the lymph glands though. Before, the swollen lymph glad was visible to the naked eye when I raised my arm. I could feel it. Every doctor who examined me could feel it. It was noticeable on the ultrasound and big enough to take a sizeable biopsy from. That biopsy came back as cancerous. Today, Mary found no lumpy lymph gland. She asked if she could call in a second opinion and yet another surgeon came in. He hunted (boy did he hunt!). He examined both armpits thoroughly and said there were NO compromised lymph glands! No swelling at all! He suggested that the previous swelling was just because it was fighting the primary cancer. Mary then told him of the biopsy and he accepted that it had gone down, assuming that I’d been on chemo.

My point was made! My body is healing itself! It’s so exciting! My metastasis has disappeared… completely regressed! With this in mind, she agreed that my 3 month request was not that far fetched and was curious as to what I was doing to achieve this. I told her some… the full truth may have been hard for her to take. I’ll still blog that.

So… that’s my ‘shout it from the rooftops’ big news. I’m certainly one very excited and motivated bundle of happy right now. It makes saying “No” to the chocolate at work so worth it : )

Technorati Tags: cancer,healing,breast cancer,lymph glands,estrogen positive,alternative,anti-chemo